Leaning Post Boat Seat

Okay, so I'm 12, and I was starting to create an "unofficial book," as I call it. I'm actually on the 46th page, this is just the beginning :P It's probably considered as a... horror romance? Possibly...
Anyways... if you don't understand, just say that in your answer and I'll post a later part or summary of it :P

Title: Demon as an Angel

ONE

I sat in Dr. Leroy’s therapist office. I hated coming here. The ladies at the counter were so fake-nice and everything in the office was white-the paint on the walls, the lamps, the sofas and chairs, the tables. The only color was seen through the big glass window, over-looking Beverly Hills.
I glared at the clock. Crazy old Dr. Leroy. He was late for my appointment again. What was he doing? Did he meet some pretty chick on the street and took her to have lunch at some fancy restaurant?
Finally, finally, Dr. Leroy came in, his hair a mess, and papers in his hands.
“Sorry I’m late, Honey. I ran into an old friend and-“
“It’s fine, Doc.”
“Oh, good. Well, then-” He seated himself down. He swiftly pulled a clipboard out of his desk drawer and smiled. “Ready for today’s evaluation?”
“Eh,” I muttered.
“You have to understand, Leira. Your imaginary friend doesn’t exist. You’re sixteen, for goodness sake! You have to let go. Fauna… she doesn’t exist,” Dr. Leroy reached out to put a hand on mine. I pulled away.
“I’m leaving.”
“You haven’t even had your evaluation yet!”
I pointed to the clock. It said that it was one o’ clock.
“Maybe if you weren’t late, I’d have it! But you apparently lost track of time while talking to a certain friend of yours. So I’m leaving.” I pulled my black jacket on and said, “Check’s on the table.”
Dr. Leroy sat there, dumbfounded. I’ve left my appointments without being evaluated before, so I don’t understand why he’s still so surprised.
I have a friend named Fauna. Yes, others can’t see her, but I can. I seem crazy, yes, but somehow Fauna can make me feel better when I’m upset.
About a year ago, my Mother fell into a coma and my Father fell into a sort of depression, and he committed suicide. My Father owned a boat casino on the West coast of California, but when he… killed himself, my uncle, Mark, on his side, took over.
I live with my grandmother, Lidia. She’s my grandmother on my Mother’s side, and she never really liked my Father. She called him “a crazy mad man.”
I visit my Mom in the hospital every Friday after school. I decided to visit her today, even though it was Sunday. I called Lidia on my BlackBerry Storm.
“Hello?” Lidia sang into the phone.
“Hello, Lidia.” She refused for me to call her “Grandmother” or anything of the sort. I understood; it probably made her feel older than she really was which was sixty one, though to me, she was… old.
“I’m going to visit Mother today, so I’ll be late tonight,” I muttered.
“That’s fine, but didn’t you visit her Friday? And did Dr. Leroy examine you today?”
I grimaced at the opening elevator, which held a young woman. She was pretty, but her red cocktail dress hugged her hips too tightly. She grimaced back. “Ugh, what’s that thing doing here?” she snarled.
“Leira?” Lidia called into the phone.
I stuck my middle finger up at the lady in the elevator, who gasped in shock.
“Yes?” I smirked.
“Are you there?”
“Yes, I’m here.”
“So?”
“Yes and no.”
“What? He didn’t evaluate you today?”
“No. He was late, so I left.” I stepped into the elevator, after the woman got out. I pressed the button that led to the lobby, and I leaned against the far corner.
“You didn’t pay him, did you?” Lidia asked. I rolled my eyes.
“I did,” I retorted.
Lidia sighed. “Leira…”
“Good bye, Lidia.” I said.
“Fine; good bye.” I hung up.
I groaned. Lidia was so picky about money. I was hungry, I didn’t have lunch yet. My BlackBerry beeped, and I checked the screen.
It was from my best friend, Alec. The text message said:
Hey, want to go get lunch with me?
I smiled. It was like he could read my mind, though I knew he couldn’t.
Yeah. I’m ~STARVING~ LOL
I sent the text and pranced happily out of the elevator. My stomach growled, and I stopped. Crap. Fauna suddenly appeared by my side.
“Leira! Are you hungry? I am too,” Fauna sang.
“Yes… now can you, um, go away for now? I’m about ready to go have lunch.”
“Why?”
“I’m hungry, that’s why.”
“No, why do I have to go away?”
“Because, please?” I begged. She smiled.
“Okay! Bye!” Before Fauna left, she gave me a quick peck on the cheek.
I sighed.
Fauna looked like this: She wore a purple dress that looked like my Mother’s (the one she fell in a coma in); sleek, dark brown hair like my Father, which were in two pigtails tied in bows; blue eyes like Lidia; lavender knee socks, one in which it hung loosely at her knee, and the other bunched around her ankle, with black dress shoes; on the dress were buttons that matched Dr. Leroy’s coat; and pale, white skin and a beautiful smile like Alec.

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might it be too obvious that Fauna's

I know you kinda just want thoughts and opinions on the book, but I also wanna help with your writing, grammar and syntax:

Never, ever, EVER start a book/story/anything with "I". That immediately makes me want to stop reading, but I continued on anyway.

I don't think a therapist would be that mean. Sure, he's trying to make her forget and whatnot, but that was a little harsh. His attitude would only make me want to rebel.

You tend to not stay in the correct tense. It's in hardly noticeable situations, but still you need to work on that. I can see you're going for past tense so just go through and look at ALL your verbs and make sure they are conjugated in the past tense.

Goodbye is one word.

It's kinda weird saying "Fauna looked like this:...." and describing it. It just doesn't flow right. Think of a better way to word that.

But other than that, it's really good. I'm interested in it, most definitely. I'd read it if it ever got published :)

2009-05-22 15:54:13 by <:)Lelah(:>

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